Not Waiting

I don't usually like to recognize anything about myself that even remotely resembles the stereotype girl. I've always prided myself on being different, stronger, and built without the complex emotional problems that plague every female. I'd rather be known as the cold calculating bitch who takes care of herself than the weepy, Suzy-homemaker who can't do anything without her husband's opinion or approval. I like being in control of my world. I function a lot better when I know that I'm making all the decisions and not being led around.
But after laying all that out there on the table, I must say there is one thing that sometimes puts me into the same category as every other female. I sometimes just want to be swept off my feet. I don't need the romantic fairy-tale story. I don't need to be gushed over. I don't need gifts or constant attention. I just need to not have to ask for it. I don't want to always be the first one to make the first move. I can, I've did it before, but sometimes having a guy ask for your number is all it takes to make your day turn around. Even a quick smile in my direction without me being the first to say hi, would be nice.
I've had enough of me being the first to make, the first move. So if you can't work up the courage to make a little effort, then just leave me alone. I don't have time to waste on someone who is going to take baby steps. I'm not asking for a life long commitment, or promises that we'll stay friends, or promises that things will even be great when we hang out. I just don't want to have to deal with the hot and cold anymore. It is so tiring and we're not even really doing anything yet.
If you decide that the choir boy routine is something that your going to drop, then please get to know me. Come chill. I promise, I would love to get to know you. I'm a great person who isn't really all that scary, I only bite when asked to, and I rarely ever judge someone without being provoked. I'm saying all this here, because it's the last time I will make the first move with you. It's the last shot babe, figure out what your trying to do and please just do it.

Recharging my batteries in LG

So I went to La Grande for a quick trip to take care of business and see people. I had a great time. I got to visit with all my friends and family. To my surprise that was all I needed to recharge myself. I've been doing okay lately trying to keep myself busy and trying to branch out in a place that I wasn't really sure I was going to be around very long. By going back to the Big LG I got inspired again. I know that where I am now has a great group of people and much to offer. By being with everyone I love in the LG, I got excited because I was able to see that I'm also making progress in the town I live in. My girls and I went to a local bar after my busy day of running errands and dinner with my family. We stayed a good couple of hours and drank and danced. Around 11:00 after most places began to close, the bar began to get business and old friends began to pop in and say hi. It was a great night, everyone I got to see was smiling and just chillin. I just wanted to thank everyone for being a part of my night in town. I hope all of you know how special you are and I hope to see you all the next time I'm passing through.

Wanting something else but still thinking the same way

What is it that makes a person want the same things even when they hurt you. No matter how much you want to believe it will be different, it might not be. You might have changed the physical, but the emotional is still the same. Your still the same person. What is it that makes the negative so hard to change and the good so hard to get? Why should it be so hard? No matter how much a person hurt you, you still don't want to walk away. No matter how much that dream is unrealistic, you just can't stop dreaming it. It consumes you. You can't let it be. A girlfriend of mine told me don't dwell on the past, what was meant to be will be again in your future. You can only take care of yourself and only strive to get what you need. But how do you quite your mind? How do you change your body's reactions when you can't control them? I am relatively happy with my situation right now. Don't get me wrong there are things that I am working on changing and I will continue to work on to changing but right now things are for the most part, good. So why is it that my body is reacting as though it's under a tremendous amount of stress? I'm dreaming about things and people who have hurt me in the past and there is no reason for it. I'm longing for situations where I wasn't happy and where I never wish to end up again. I can't help but have thoughts pop in my head of things which once made me smile and now make me upset. Is it a warning to be careful when creating this new life. Don't make the same mistakes again Jen. But then why do I miss those situations? Why does it feel better to be in those same situations even when the physical place and people have changed? How is it that my body's stress level lowers when I participate in things and with people who I know will eventually make me upset? I'm not being crazy stupid and doing things that are messing up the plan to get a better life but I'm starting to wish that our mind, and feelings had an on/off switch. It would make things a lot easier and sleep would be more enjoyable. AND WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE TO SLEEP. :)

No way did a male god grant me this moment :)

Meeting him was like having the wind knocked out of me. I was cleaning up glasses and wiping tables down after a busy night. The music was still blaring and I was just letting myself become completely absorbed by it. My co-worker was counting money and doing dishes. Normally she was all business and hurried to get out to see her kids, but tonight she was taking her time lingering by smoking and doing extra cleaning. I thought it was a little weird but she is the type that you don't question. You just go with the flow or she's scares you, just by repeating your question.
"You must be Jen." It was a statement, pure and simple. Arrogantly spoken by a deep voice, which I should of had to strain to hear above the music, but didn't. I whipped around while actually squealing to look at a dark haired, dark eyed, GI Joe replica of a man, who stood there frowning at me. He looks like a man that just freshly walked out of a Cosmo magazine. God.. I couldn't breath. His eyes just sucked me in. I knew I looked a mess. My hair was falling out of it's ponytail and my face had to be a little clammy from sweating all night, running around on the floor. He towered above me. I instantly reached for my necklace. My security blanket. I knew god or whatever power is in charge was playing a really sick joke on me.
Jannie hollered at me, "Jen, this is my friend Brad. He's giving me a ride home so he'll be in here til we're ready to go." Then she went back to work completely ignoring both of us.
"Hey." I mumbled looking away from him. I walked over to my next table and he followed me still frowning. I started shaking, I couldn't help myself. I didn't know why but he was making my heart race, my hands shake and my mind go completely blank. Normally I like to think that I can manage to keep myself some what put together when I'm attracted to someone. But right then I knew I was fumbling so bad. I could feel myself getting hot, blushing. I didn't even know that I do that. He kept staring at me while I wiped the table down.
"Do you always wipe tables down that long?" He snapped. I jumped.
"What" I stammered like an idiot. Come on Jen get it together your making an ass out of yourself and he hasn't even done anything to you. He's not that cute and defiantly not your type. I kept repeating that to myself. Hoping if I lied enough times in my head, I would finally believe it and get some control over my body.
"Do... you... always... take... this.... long... to.... wiped... tables.... down." He said glaring at me, cocking his head to one side. I stared at him for what seemed like forever, forgetting how to speak, and then he raised his eye brows and leaned toward me, opening his mouth to repeat himself. That action was all it took for me to get angry and for me to snap out of my love-struck puppy mode. My defenses went up and my tongue began to slice him up.
"What the fuck is your problem? I haven't done anything to you and you've treated me like crap since you walked into this place. Following me around like I need to be watched while I do cleaning. Of all things to need a babysitter for." I shook my head. "No! It doesn't always take me this freaking long to wipe tables down. Like you care how long it takes anyway, no one cares how long it takes to wipe tables down. Plus its freaking hard to clean while someone as hot as yourself is staring into your back. Jesus, didn't your mother teach you any freaking manners? I asked my voice raising by the minute. " Intimidating someone you don't even know all because your little miss sunshine's best Friend. I hope you know, that I'm stressed out enough as it is without having someone bother me for no reason. OK? I glared at him, breathing fast and gripping my towel to keep him from seeing me shake. "Well?" I snapped
"You think I'm hot?" he asked grinning at me. I just blinked at him. Shit had I really said I thought he was hot? No way was I going to acknowledge that I had said it. Nor was I going to admit that I hadn't meant to tell him either. I started to turned around and walk away. However before I had even made it one step, he grabbed my arm. "Wait. They told me you were uptight." he said. I just glared at him. Hopefully If I kept quiet he would let go and go away. "No, wait not uptight,. They said you were shy. Look the plan tonight is to kidnap you and take you out with the rest of the girls so that you'll break out of your shell a little. I'm suppose to distract you until Jannie is ready to go and then we just won't take you home." I just looked at him as he grinned a little embarrassed at me. Then I looked over toward that bar, Jannie was busy but you could tell she was watching us. Great I thought. Here I am trying to start over, in a new place, where I can focus on my career and my friends are already trying to get me to go get into trouble. And how do they do it? They enlist the help of a really sexy man. Yeah I know I said he wasn't my type but Jesus If you could just see him. Thinking about him got me to realize that he was still holding my arm. I looked over at him still smiling at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, blushed and then asked "Why, would they ask you to help break me out of my shell?"
He grabbed the towel out of my hand and threw it on the table. Pulled me on the dance floor and said "Well they told me you like to dance and well you see, I am terribly hot, fun to be around and the best dancer that you'll ever meet." Then he ran to the stage and turned up the song I know you want me by pitbull, kicked off his shoes and came sliding back onto the dance floor. He started dancing all crazy, moving his hips side to side, turning around and shaking his ass toward me. He moved his shoulders the opposite way as his hips and then started boobing his head like the guys in the movie A Night at the Roxbury. I couldn't help but start laughing. "com'on I know you have it in you. " I just shook my head laughing at him. God It felt good to smile for no reason. "Com'on, you got a. The girls are on their way and you'll disappoint them if you don't play along. They took forever coming up with this plan at least humor them just a little." I just laughed and went to go start cleaning. Brad wasn't having it though. He came and grabbed me from behind as the music changed to Deftones my own summer. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I swear that I nearly fainted just because he touched me. I stopped moving. He whispered in my ear, for me to take my shoes off. I couldn't help myself, my shoes were off before I had even realized that I had pulled them off. "Now... don't think about anything just dance like you were doing when I got here." He voice was like a drug. My breath started coming faster and I just started to move. I could feel the heat of his chest against my back, and it did nothing to calm my shaking body. He turned me around and looked me in the face, while stilling dancing with me. He held my lower back not allowing any space to be between us. I put one arm on his shoulder and closed my eyes losing myself in the music. This was freakin surreal but I could actually feel the last couple of month's tension leaving my body. Brad brought his left hand to my hair and pulled my pony tail lose, running his fingers through the curls almost as if he had been doing it for years. I leaned into him getting closer to him if that were possible and inhaled. He smelled just like cigarette smoke with a hint of apple Cinnamon. Please song just keep playing or someone up there grant me the miracle to stop time. I couldn't help but keep pleading in my head, making all kinds of deals for this situation to just continue to be as great as it was. Then the music began to slow and I knew the ending was coming. I started to lean back pulling away to give Brad and me a little space before it ended.
"See not so bad." He said looking at me intently. Yet again I couldn't look away and I forget how to speak. I went to nod my agreement, but instead angled my chin upward toward his face not blinking, I just kept breathing. Then he leaned in and kissed me pulling me to him. He held me tight and it was a good thing because I freakin would have fallen over had he not been. I kissed him back but was jolted back to reality when I heard my co-workers come into the bar.
"Jesus Brad, we told you to distracted her not fuck her on the dance floor. " My friend Misty said laughing walking toward us. I instantly put space between us and looked at Misty avoiding looking at Brad. "So are you ready to go get fucked up?" she asked "And by the way, that was rhetorical if you didn't get that cause your going anyway." she said putting her arm around my shoulder ushering me out toward the car. My mind was so scattered, I couldn't even find a way to form a sentence. I was beat red and was embarrassed. Did I kiss him? Or did he kiss me? Did It mean something? Or not? Do I want it to mean something? Who am I kidding, of course I want it to mean something! It was freaking awesome. I can't think straight around him. He's hot and a great kisser. He makes me weak in the knees, which I know is a cliche. But this is me we're talking about. I might like someone but I do usually have some sort of control. I never kiss a random guy I just met after yelling at him, when I'm completely sober. Nobody does that. I looked back at him, and he just smiled and shrugged.
"Ok, girls where are we headed?" he shouted

Compromising Too Much?

Finding a happy balance between what you want, and what others you care about want, is always a struggle. Is compromise a sign that your growing up even when you compromise to much? Trying to stay on what is deemed the correct path is said to be a struggle. Should it be? When you give up some of yourself for someone else can you lose yourself completely?
I have met so many different people in life. What's funny about meeting someone new is that you always run through the same questions, no matter who the person is. How's it going? Who are you? What do you do? It really is a drag because no one ever tells you what they really want to and most of the time they lie. How's it going? good. Who are you? I'm john doe. I am married, have two kids and work while living in the city. What do you do? I'm a corporate tech annalist. Case and point, normal. Wouldn't it be nice to meet someone who when asked the same questions could distinguish themselves some how from the normal story line. How's it going? great! I so happy to be here every day something new happens to me. Who are you? I'm a dreamer who has managed to live out lots of my dreams. What do you do? Lots of things, teach myself something new everyday. Enjoy a lot of things around me, even the small things. And feel with every being I'm capable of.
I know it's sounds a little bit corny. Sort of an Utopian ideal of a person. Why not just be OK with the John Doe version. So he didn't accomplish much. He has a family and is doing right by it. He takes care of things and does have new experiences. Sure he's compromised on a few things in life, but that's what life is about. That's how you grow up. You will have a very comfortable, relaxing, safe and secure future. But did you actually live through out your life or did you just hide away and show everyone what you think they wanted see. Did you get most of what you wanted out of life or only got what you think others wanted? Can you safely say that after living, I don't need or want anything else?
I'm the type of person who loves to know how to do many things, but learning and doing them for the first time always scares the shit out of me. I shake, my heart beats a thousand times a minute, and I can't help but jump on the rush that travels through out my body. I get this way when ever I do something new. I get this way anytime that I become involved in a relationship, whether it's with friends or family. I love living passionately and with feeling and hope i never lose that. When you can say that you loved the way you lived, even if it was the john doe version, that's great! I hope that I can. But what if I can't?
I don't want to wake up thirty years from now and say shit! I didn't do anything that I wanted because I was running in circles trying to avoid living the life I made for myself. Or this isn't what I wanted, why did I make that decision. I don't want to be one of those people did the same thing over and over every day with the same people and look around and go what happened how did I become this person. I don't want to be one of those people who look at their self and say wow, yeah I knew this was a part of me but where is the rest of me?
I won't become one of those people who fake their way through life. Who pretend that they got exactly what they wanted when you see in their eyes secret longing for something that will never be. I will not lose myself. I can adapt and change for the people i care for while still realizing my dreams. I will cherish each moment in my life even when it doesn't turn out the way that i expected. I make my own decisions and will never compromise to much of myself!

The rest of my blogs from myspace

July 23, 2009 - Thursday Moments worth remembering So today started out as any other boring day. I went with Chris to begin the humdrum normal boring routine maintenance that everyone has to do for life, like laundry, oil change on the car and then of course cleaning the house. After we accomplished all this I didn't really have anything worth wild needing my attention so I went to go explore. I recently began working in my new home area and I will be completely honest, I have been using this new starting point as a way to spoil myself. I disappeared to begin a new life, and that exactly what I've been doing. I've been reevaluating what I think is important and what kind of person I want to be. What do I need out of life to be happy and what do I want to give back. I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person am I now and what beliefs I've been living by. Do they still guide me in the direction that I've always wanted to go and am I still wanting to go in that direction. By analyzing all those aspects, I've realized that my photography is a really big part of my life. I love taking pictures. I love seeing and capturing life on film and being able to share it with people. If by showing my pictures to the world I'm able to affect someone for the better. or affect myself in any way then it was worth all the time that I spent on any of my projects. I recently stopped taking pictures other than of my family and i found that a piece of myself was gone. So with that in mind I started a new photo project. I really have thrown myself into it. I've been working by day and then in my free time I've been taking as many pictures of completely random people. While doing this I've been able to capture a ton of great moments that at the time just seemed non-important. Today was one of those days where after being outside for two hours and hundreds of shots later, I wasn't really sure if I had caught anything that would jump out at me. You can always take a picture but you never know if your going to capture what you want to show. I brought back my camera and was scrolling though all my shots and next thing I know I got lucky. I had manage to capture a couple I had seen today. Their personalities and moment just radiated from the photos. They were in sequence and showed a fight that they had outside the grocery store. When i first saw this couple they look miserable. They looked as though they were in absolutely no mood to shop. They got out of their car and instantly begin bickering at each other. The women was bitching about how hot it was and the man was accusing the lady of making it his fault. The man was complaining about how hungry he was and why he didn't understand why they couldn't go eat before they went to shop. The man scowled the whole way into the store and the women glared through her sunglasses and made sighs at her husband. They disappeared into the store and came out about ten minutes later with two bags of groceries that looked as though there was lunch. They were still bickering at each other and the closer they got to there car it seemed the louder the got. He was mad about something she had bought to eat at the deli for lunch and she was mad that he was bitching about being hungry when he could have bought a snack and then been fine until he went to go get lunch. Their argument was very heated and then it turned into something bigger than just lunch. The man was saying that he always had to fend for himself and that she never thought about him anymore. They were standing in the parking lot yelling at the top of their lungs and now people were gathering around to make sure that it didn't escalate to something worse. The women was yelling that he was an adult and that she wasn't his mother. If he had wanted lunch he should of got something but he didn't so he could just get over it because she was going to eat hers and if he couldn't handle it then he didn't have to be around while she ate it. He got really whiny and accused her of being unfeeling. He yelled and stammered that if he was starving she probably wouldn't even care and she would eat right in front of him. She made a dramatic showing of opening her deli noodle lunch and took a big bite right in front of him. Then she said yep and told him it worked the same way. She had been thirsty earlier and he had made her buy herself something to drink while not offering any of his water. The man got furious and went to the driver's side of the car while bitching. I guess the women thought that he had ended the argument because she was closing her lunch and was getting ready to put it away when he came back and squirted her in the face with his water while yelling at her saying don't ever say I'd let you die from dehydration. The women was soaking wet and pissed she threw her noodles at him and said hear honey i got you lunch. By now the crowd was standing there completely shocked wondering what was going to happened. All that happened was that they both started laughing and then got in the car and drove away. The whole episode lasted less than twenty minutes but it was one of the best things to witness. You just got to see so many expressions and feelings come from these two people. You just could help but feel as though you just witnessed something private pass between them. This moment was a personal moment that made their life interesting and entertaining. They were experiencing and living life in the most basic way that two people could. All it was was a very boring couple fight but it also affected so many other people that day. It made people stop and become a part of life. I got to witness two people show that they were capable of feeling. They hadn't been sucked into becoming numb from all the amenities that we've become accustomed to such as t.v., or the internet. They weren't just following proper social etiquette, quietly locking there problems behind closed doors. They were living and creating a stupid moment in their life that they were probably going to remember first before any other, later in life. I know it seems like I'm making it up to be bigger than it was but I feel it really was a great moment to be apart of and to have captured on film. I got to experience someone else's life and they way it worked for them even though it was different from the way mine goes.

July 18, 2009 - Saturday Life "There is no passion to be found playing small- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."- Nelson Mandela I love this quote. It reminds us that life is precious and that at any minute it could change. You need to live it to the fullest ability that you can, while you can. Why settle for anything less than what you want, or deserve. Life is hard, its not suppose to be easy. Just remember that anything worth accomplishing is always better after the struggle. I've know that there are people out there who are worth my time. I know what i'm capable of and how far I will go in life. I will never let anyone bring me down and will never stop fighting for what I need. Failing is never the end, it's only a stepping stone. I know what's important to me and I love experiencing life in the now. Even when it's scary or hurtfull. There is always something to be happy about every day, you just have to find it. Live with passion. Change the way you do things. I'm in charge of my own life. Never forget that. Do what makes you happy. Live for yourself and eventually you'll live for others too. Things will get better. I will succeed in fulfilling all my dreams!

March 10, 2009 - Tuesday Enigmatise. Current mood: sassy Have you ever spent time talking to someone while thinking, how did I walk into this twilight zone? I mean your speaking to your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your co-worker, the random old lady at the local convenvient store on the corner of spruce and decker street, Whomever, and all your thinking in your head is..... I have no idea what the fuck we are talking about. Now of course, you didn't start out this confused in the conversation. You probably started out relatively comfortable with whomever you were speaking to. Of course you did, else why would you be talking to them in the first place right? So Anyway your talking to them, enjoying your conversation about.... Oh, I don't know Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches and then all of a sudden.... Bam!!!!! They're talking about how Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches are the real reason that they go to confession everyday and your a filthy, crazy person for bringing the topic up. Then while your still trying to figure out what fucking turn they took in the conversation, they blindside you with a warm inviting smile while suggesting that maybe you show them your jelly, while squeezing your lemon and then go to confession with them to redeem yourself. I know right. Crazy fucking Shit. Now here is the greatest thing that you could ever learn in a situation like this. You have two options here and only two options: 1. You smile, nod, while backing away slowly vowing never to fucking speak to this messed up skitzo again. Or 2. you look them dead in the eye lean in and whisper "i can't go to the theater with you, my piano squashed my luffa and now all I have is strawberries. Then you turn around and walk away with your head held high. The first option allows you to get away unharmed while only becoming tramatized minorly while the second option leaves the ball in their court while opening up tremendous amounts of possibilities allowing you to evenually experience some type of wild ride. So the next time that someone starts speaking in riddles to you, take a deep breath and then make the call, be safe and enjoy the ferris wheel or take control and join the circus.

I know who I'm supposed to be!

So today I'm walking down the street and I see one of those street performers called mimes.
You know the ones I'm talking about, they're dress in white and black and constantly get stuck in the box. They drive me bonkers because I always end up thinking about them all day. It's not normal thoughts that past through my head like why did they end up being street performers, or where do they want to end up? It's stupid thoughts like what would happen if i hit them in the stomach really hard with a loaf of bread? Would they actually speak and would they retaliate? Would they come after me? Or would they be annoying to me if they weren't wearing black and white? Would having color like bright red on make me stop and stare at them while they performed? And if stupid questions like that weren't enough i start thinking about who actually made mimes an art? And is it the universes way of trying to tell us something and you know I'm just missing the sign? Right, am i really supposed to be playing attention to the box? Questions like that all running through my head and then you know what happens? Before i know it i have walked an hour past my destination and now I'm stuck in apart of town I've never been in and i have no way of knowing how or when i passed my spot.
That's when you know you have a lot on your mind, right there. When you are distracted by a mime. I guess though that's to be expected. I mean I just moved and left all my friends. All of my security blankets behind. I knew that change was coming and it was my decision to leave my home town, but i will admit it's been hard. Now I'm one tough bitch. I always have been, but I'm also willing to admit that being completely by myself with no way to manipulate my situation, is just a tad bit scary and annoying. I'm use to being able to call my friends to get out of trouble, to help me start a new project, or to further my career, but now it's all on my shoulders. I guess in a way it's good because when i succeed in accomplishing everything i want to i will know it's because I never gave up. And i know that i will do it because I have people who will be there and have been there to support my decision to follow my dreams. and i won't let my dreams go just because things get tough. I refuse to let myself become second rate because one dream might be jeopardized if i don't choose the easiest path. I expect to get all of my dreams out of life and on my terms. :)