Compromising Too Much?

Finding a happy balance between what you want, and what others you care about want, is always a struggle. Is compromise a sign that your growing up even when you compromise to much? Trying to stay on what is deemed the correct path is said to be a struggle. Should it be? When you give up some of yourself for someone else can you lose yourself completely?
I have met so many different people in life. What's funny about meeting someone new is that you always run through the same questions, no matter who the person is. How's it going? Who are you? What do you do? It really is a drag because no one ever tells you what they really want to and most of the time they lie. How's it going? good. Who are you? I'm john doe. I am married, have two kids and work while living in the city. What do you do? I'm a corporate tech annalist. Case and point, normal. Wouldn't it be nice to meet someone who when asked the same questions could distinguish themselves some how from the normal story line. How's it going? great! I so happy to be here every day something new happens to me. Who are you? I'm a dreamer who has managed to live out lots of my dreams. What do you do? Lots of things, teach myself something new everyday. Enjoy a lot of things around me, even the small things. And feel with every being I'm capable of.
I know it's sounds a little bit corny. Sort of an Utopian ideal of a person. Why not just be OK with the John Doe version. So he didn't accomplish much. He has a family and is doing right by it. He takes care of things and does have new experiences. Sure he's compromised on a few things in life, but that's what life is about. That's how you grow up. You will have a very comfortable, relaxing, safe and secure future. But did you actually live through out your life or did you just hide away and show everyone what you think they wanted see. Did you get most of what you wanted out of life or only got what you think others wanted? Can you safely say that after living, I don't need or want anything else?
I'm the type of person who loves to know how to do many things, but learning and doing them for the first time always scares the shit out of me. I shake, my heart beats a thousand times a minute, and I can't help but jump on the rush that travels through out my body. I get this way when ever I do something new. I get this way anytime that I become involved in a relationship, whether it's with friends or family. I love living passionately and with feeling and hope i never lose that. When you can say that you loved the way you lived, even if it was the john doe version, that's great! I hope that I can. But what if I can't?
I don't want to wake up thirty years from now and say shit! I didn't do anything that I wanted because I was running in circles trying to avoid living the life I made for myself. Or this isn't what I wanted, why did I make that decision. I don't want to be one of those people did the same thing over and over every day with the same people and look around and go what happened how did I become this person. I don't want to be one of those people who look at their self and say wow, yeah I knew this was a part of me but where is the rest of me?
I won't become one of those people who fake their way through life. Who pretend that they got exactly what they wanted when you see in their eyes secret longing for something that will never be. I will not lose myself. I can adapt and change for the people i care for while still realizing my dreams. I will cherish each moment in my life even when it doesn't turn out the way that i expected. I make my own decisions and will never compromise to much of myself!

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July 23, 2009 - Thursday Moments worth remembering So today started out as any other boring day. I went with Chris to begin the humdrum normal boring routine maintenance that everyone has to do for life, like laundry, oil change on the car and then of course cleaning the house. After we accomplished all this I didn't really have anything worth wild needing my attention so I went to go explore. I recently began working in my new home area and I will be completely honest, I have been using this new starting point as a way to spoil myself. I disappeared to begin a new life, and that exactly what I've been doing. I've been reevaluating what I think is important and what kind of person I want to be. What do I need out of life to be happy and what do I want to give back. I've been thinking a lot about what kind of person am I now and what beliefs I've been living by. Do they still guide me in the direction that I've always wanted to go and am I still wanting to go in that direction. By analyzing all those aspects, I've realized that my photography is a really big part of my life. I love taking pictures. I love seeing and capturing life on film and being able to share it with people. If by showing my pictures to the world I'm able to affect someone for the better. or affect myself in any way then it was worth all the time that I spent on any of my projects. I recently stopped taking pictures other than of my family and i found that a piece of myself was gone. So with that in mind I started a new photo project. I really have thrown myself into it. I've been working by day and then in my free time I've been taking as many pictures of completely random people. While doing this I've been able to capture a ton of great moments that at the time just seemed non-important. Today was one of those days where after being outside for two hours and hundreds of shots later, I wasn't really sure if I had caught anything that would jump out at me. You can always take a picture but you never know if your going to capture what you want to show. I brought back my camera and was scrolling though all my shots and next thing I know I got lucky. I had manage to capture a couple I had seen today. Their personalities and moment just radiated from the photos. They were in sequence and showed a fight that they had outside the grocery store. When i first saw this couple they look miserable. They looked as though they were in absolutely no mood to shop. They got out of their car and instantly begin bickering at each other. The women was bitching about how hot it was and the man was accusing the lady of making it his fault. The man was complaining about how hungry he was and why he didn't understand why they couldn't go eat before they went to shop. The man scowled the whole way into the store and the women glared through her sunglasses and made sighs at her husband. They disappeared into the store and came out about ten minutes later with two bags of groceries that looked as though there was lunch. They were still bickering at each other and the closer they got to there car it seemed the louder the got. He was mad about something she had bought to eat at the deli for lunch and she was mad that he was bitching about being hungry when he could have bought a snack and then been fine until he went to go get lunch. Their argument was very heated and then it turned into something bigger than just lunch. The man was saying that he always had to fend for himself and that she never thought about him anymore. They were standing in the parking lot yelling at the top of their lungs and now people were gathering around to make sure that it didn't escalate to something worse. The women was yelling that he was an adult and that she wasn't his mother. If he had wanted lunch he should of got something but he didn't so he could just get over it because she was going to eat hers and if he couldn't handle it then he didn't have to be around while she ate it. He got really whiny and accused her of being unfeeling. He yelled and stammered that if he was starving she probably wouldn't even care and she would eat right in front of him. She made a dramatic showing of opening her deli noodle lunch and took a big bite right in front of him. Then she said yep and told him it worked the same way. She had been thirsty earlier and he had made her buy herself something to drink while not offering any of his water. The man got furious and went to the driver's side of the car while bitching. I guess the women thought that he had ended the argument because she was closing her lunch and was getting ready to put it away when he came back and squirted her in the face with his water while yelling at her saying don't ever say I'd let you die from dehydration. The women was soaking wet and pissed she threw her noodles at him and said hear honey i got you lunch. By now the crowd was standing there completely shocked wondering what was going to happened. All that happened was that they both started laughing and then got in the car and drove away. The whole episode lasted less than twenty minutes but it was one of the best things to witness. You just got to see so many expressions and feelings come from these two people. You just could help but feel as though you just witnessed something private pass between them. This moment was a personal moment that made their life interesting and entertaining. They were experiencing and living life in the most basic way that two people could. All it was was a very boring couple fight but it also affected so many other people that day. It made people stop and become a part of life. I got to witness two people show that they were capable of feeling. They hadn't been sucked into becoming numb from all the amenities that we've become accustomed to such as t.v., or the internet. They weren't just following proper social etiquette, quietly locking there problems behind closed doors. They were living and creating a stupid moment in their life that they were probably going to remember first before any other, later in life. I know it seems like I'm making it up to be bigger than it was but I feel it really was a great moment to be apart of and to have captured on film. I got to experience someone else's life and they way it worked for them even though it was different from the way mine goes.

July 18, 2009 - Saturday Life "There is no passion to be found playing small- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."- Nelson Mandela I love this quote. It reminds us that life is precious and that at any minute it could change. You need to live it to the fullest ability that you can, while you can. Why settle for anything less than what you want, or deserve. Life is hard, its not suppose to be easy. Just remember that anything worth accomplishing is always better after the struggle. I've know that there are people out there who are worth my time. I know what i'm capable of and how far I will go in life. I will never let anyone bring me down and will never stop fighting for what I need. Failing is never the end, it's only a stepping stone. I know what's important to me and I love experiencing life in the now. Even when it's scary or hurtfull. There is always something to be happy about every day, you just have to find it. Live with passion. Change the way you do things. I'm in charge of my own life. Never forget that. Do what makes you happy. Live for yourself and eventually you'll live for others too. Things will get better. I will succeed in fulfilling all my dreams!

March 10, 2009 - Tuesday Enigmatise. Current mood: sassy Have you ever spent time talking to someone while thinking, how did I walk into this twilight zone? I mean your speaking to your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your co-worker, the random old lady at the local convenvient store on the corner of spruce and decker street, Whomever, and all your thinking in your head is..... I have no idea what the fuck we are talking about. Now of course, you didn't start out this confused in the conversation. You probably started out relatively comfortable with whomever you were speaking to. Of course you did, else why would you be talking to them in the first place right? So Anyway your talking to them, enjoying your conversation about.... Oh, I don't know Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches and then all of a sudden.... Bam!!!!! They're talking about how Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches are the real reason that they go to confession everyday and your a filthy, crazy person for bringing the topic up. Then while your still trying to figure out what fucking turn they took in the conversation, they blindside you with a warm inviting smile while suggesting that maybe you show them your jelly, while squeezing your lemon and then go to confession with them to redeem yourself. I know right. Crazy fucking Shit. Now here is the greatest thing that you could ever learn in a situation like this. You have two options here and only two options: 1. You smile, nod, while backing away slowly vowing never to fucking speak to this messed up skitzo again. Or 2. you look them dead in the eye lean in and whisper "i can't go to the theater with you, my piano squashed my luffa and now all I have is strawberries. Then you turn around and walk away with your head held high. The first option allows you to get away unharmed while only becoming tramatized minorly while the second option leaves the ball in their court while opening up tremendous amounts of possibilities allowing you to evenually experience some type of wild ride. So the next time that someone starts speaking in riddles to you, take a deep breath and then make the call, be safe and enjoy the ferris wheel or take control and join the circus.

I know who I'm supposed to be!

So today I'm walking down the street and I see one of those street performers called mimes.
You know the ones I'm talking about, they're dress in white and black and constantly get stuck in the box. They drive me bonkers because I always end up thinking about them all day. It's not normal thoughts that past through my head like why did they end up being street performers, or where do they want to end up? It's stupid thoughts like what would happen if i hit them in the stomach really hard with a loaf of bread? Would they actually speak and would they retaliate? Would they come after me? Or would they be annoying to me if they weren't wearing black and white? Would having color like bright red on make me stop and stare at them while they performed? And if stupid questions like that weren't enough i start thinking about who actually made mimes an art? And is it the universes way of trying to tell us something and you know I'm just missing the sign? Right, am i really supposed to be playing attention to the box? Questions like that all running through my head and then you know what happens? Before i know it i have walked an hour past my destination and now I'm stuck in apart of town I've never been in and i have no way of knowing how or when i passed my spot.
That's when you know you have a lot on your mind, right there. When you are distracted by a mime. I guess though that's to be expected. I mean I just moved and left all my friends. All of my security blankets behind. I knew that change was coming and it was my decision to leave my home town, but i will admit it's been hard. Now I'm one tough bitch. I always have been, but I'm also willing to admit that being completely by myself with no way to manipulate my situation, is just a tad bit scary and annoying. I'm use to being able to call my friends to get out of trouble, to help me start a new project, or to further my career, but now it's all on my shoulders. I guess in a way it's good because when i succeed in accomplishing everything i want to i will know it's because I never gave up. And i know that i will do it because I have people who will be there and have been there to support my decision to follow my dreams. and i won't let my dreams go just because things get tough. I refuse to let myself become second rate because one dream might be jeopardized if i don't choose the easiest path. I expect to get all of my dreams out of life and on my terms. :)