Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wanting something else but still thinking the same way
What is it that makes a person want the same things even when they hurt you. No matter how much you want to believe it will be different, it might not be. You might have changed the physical, but the emotional is still the same. Your still the same person. What is it that makes the negative so hard to change and the good so hard to get? Why should it be so hard? No matter how much a person hurt you, you still don't want to walk away. No matter how much that dream is unrealistic, you just can't stop dreaming it. It consumes you. You can't let it be. A girlfriend of mine told me don't dwell on the past, what was meant to be will be again in your future. You can only take care of yourself and only strive to get what you need. But how do you quite your mind? How do you change your body's reactions when you can't control them? I am relatively happy with my situation right now. Don't get me wrong there are things that I am working on changing and I will continue to work on to changing but right now things are for the most part, good. So why is it that my body is reacting as though it's under a tremendous amount of stress? I'm dreaming about things and people who have hurt me in the past and there is no reason for it. I'm longing for situations where I wasn't happy and where I never wish to end up again. I can't help but have thoughts pop in my head of things which once made me smile and now make me upset. Is it a warning to be careful when creating this new life. Don't make the same mistakes again Jen. But then why do I miss those situations? Why does it feel better to be in those same situations even when the physical place and people have changed? How is it that my body's stress level lowers when I participate in things and with people who I know will eventually make me upset? I'm not being crazy stupid and doing things that are messing up the plan to get a better life but I'm starting to wish that our mind, and feelings had an on/off switch. It would make things a lot easier and sleep would be more enjoyable. AND WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE TO SLEEP. :)
Monday, August 3, 2009
No way did a male god grant me this moment :)
Meeting him was like having the wind knocked out of me. I was cleaning up glasses and wiping tables down after a busy night. The music was still blaring and I was just letting myself become completely absorbed by it. My co-worker was counting money and doing dishes. Normally she was all business and hurried to get out to see her kids, but tonight she was taking her time lingering by smoking and doing extra cleaning. I thought it was a little weird but she is the type that you don't question. You just go with the flow or she's scares you, just by repeating your question.
"You must be Jen." It was a statement, pure and simple. Arrogantly spoken by a deep voice, which I should of had to strain to hear above the music, but didn't. I whipped around while actually squealing to look at a dark haired, dark eyed, GI Joe replica of a man, who stood there frowning at me. He looks like a man that just freshly walked out of a Cosmo magazine. God.. I couldn't breath. His eyes just sucked me in. I knew I looked a mess. My hair was falling out of it's ponytail and my face had to be a little clammy from sweating all night, running around on the floor. He towered above me. I instantly reached for my necklace. My security blanket. I knew god or whatever power is in charge was playing a really sick joke on me.
Jannie hollered at me, "Jen, this is my friend Brad. He's giving me a ride home so he'll be in here til we're ready to go." Then she went back to work completely ignoring both of us.
"Hey." I mumbled looking away from him. I walked over to my next table and he followed me still frowning. I started shaking, I couldn't help myself. I didn't know why but he was making my heart race, my hands shake and my mind go completely blank. Normally I like to think that I can manage to keep myself some what put together when I'm attracted to someone. But right then I knew I was fumbling so bad. I could feel myself getting hot, blushing. I didn't even know that I do that. He kept staring at me while I wiped the table down.
"Do you always wipe tables down that long?" He snapped. I jumped.
"What" I stammered like an idiot. Come on Jen get it together your making an ass out of yourself and he hasn't even done anything to you. He's not that cute and defiantly not your type. I kept repeating that to myself. Hoping if I lied enough times in my head, I would finally believe it and get some control over my body.
"Do... you... always... take... this.... long... to.... wiped... tables.... down." He said glaring at me, cocking his head to one side. I stared at him for what seemed like forever, forgetting how to speak, and then he raised his eye brows and leaned toward me, opening his mouth to repeat himself. That action was all it took for me to get angry and for me to snap out of my love-struck puppy mode. My defenses went up and my tongue began to slice him up.
"What the fuck is your problem? I haven't done anything to you and you've treated me like crap since you walked into this place. Following me around like I need to be watched while I do cleaning. Of all things to need a babysitter for." I shook my head. "No! It doesn't always take me this freaking long to wipe tables down. Like you care how long it takes anyway, no one cares how long it takes to wipe tables down. Plus its freaking hard to clean while someone as hot as yourself is staring into your back. Jesus, didn't your mother teach you any freaking manners? I asked my voice raising by the minute. " Intimidating someone you don't even know all because your little miss sunshine's best Friend. I hope you know, that I'm stressed out enough as it is without having someone bother me for no reason. OK? I glared at him, breathing fast and gripping my towel to keep him from seeing me shake. "Well?" I snapped
"You think I'm hot?" he asked grinning at me. I just blinked at him. Shit had I really said I thought he was hot? No way was I going to acknowledge that I had said it. Nor was I going to admit that I hadn't meant to tell him either. I started to turned around and walk away. However before I had even made it one step, he grabbed my arm. "Wait. They told me you were uptight." he said. I just glared at him. Hopefully If I kept quiet he would let go and go away. "No, wait not uptight,. They said you were shy. Look the plan tonight is to kidnap you and take you out with the rest of the girls so that you'll break out of your shell a little. I'm suppose to distract you until Jannie is ready to go and then we just won't take you home." I just looked at him as he grinned a little embarrassed at me. Then I looked over toward that bar, Jannie was busy but you could tell she was watching us. Great I thought. Here I am trying to start over, in a new place, where I can focus on my career and my friends are already trying to get me to go get into trouble. And how do they do it? They enlist the help of a really sexy man. Yeah I know I said he wasn't my type but Jesus If you could just see him. Thinking about him got me to realize that he was still holding my arm. I looked over at him still smiling at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, blushed and then asked "Why, would they ask you to help break me out of my shell?"
He grabbed the towel out of my hand and threw it on the table. Pulled me on the dance floor and said "Well they told me you like to dance and well you see, I am terribly hot, fun to be around and the best dancer that you'll ever meet." Then he ran to the stage and turned up the song I know you want me by pitbull, kicked off his shoes and came sliding back onto the dance floor. He started dancing all crazy, moving his hips side to side, turning around and shaking his ass toward me. He moved his shoulders the opposite way as his hips and then started boobing his head like the guys in the movie A Night at the Roxbury. I couldn't help but start laughing. "com'on I know you have it in you. " I just shook my head laughing at him. God It felt good to smile for no reason. "Com'on, you got a. The girls are on their way and you'll disappoint them if you don't play along. They took forever coming up with this plan at least humor them just a little." I just laughed and went to go start cleaning. Brad wasn't having it though. He came and grabbed me from behind as the music changed to Deftones my own summer. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I swear that I nearly fainted just because he touched me. I stopped moving. He whispered in my ear, for me to take my shoes off. I couldn't help myself, my shoes were off before I had even realized that I had pulled them off. "Now... don't think about anything just dance like you were doing when I got here." He voice was like a drug. My breath started coming faster and I just started to move. I could feel the heat of his chest against my back, and it did nothing to calm my shaking body. He turned me around and looked me in the face, while stilling dancing with me. He held my lower back not allowing any space to be between us. I put one arm on his shoulder and closed my eyes losing myself in the music. This was freakin surreal but I could actually feel the last couple of month's tension leaving my body. Brad brought his left hand to my hair and pulled my pony tail lose, running his fingers through the curls almost as if he had been doing it for years. I leaned into him getting closer to him if that were possible and inhaled. He smelled just like cigarette smoke with a hint of apple Cinnamon. Please song just keep playing or someone up there grant me the miracle to stop time. I couldn't help but keep pleading in my head, making all kinds of deals for this situation to just continue to be as great as it was. Then the music began to slow and I knew the ending was coming. I started to lean back pulling away to give Brad and me a little space before it ended.
"See not so bad." He said looking at me intently. Yet again I couldn't look away and I forget how to speak. I went to nod my agreement, but instead angled my chin upward toward his face not blinking, I just kept breathing. Then he leaned in and kissed me pulling me to him. He held me tight and it was a good thing because I freakin would have fallen over had he not been. I kissed him back but was jolted back to reality when I heard my co-workers come into the bar.
"Jesus Brad, we told you to distracted her not fuck her on the dance floor. " My friend Misty said laughing walking toward us. I instantly put space between us and looked at Misty avoiding looking at Brad. "So are you ready to go get fucked up?" she asked "And by the way, that was rhetorical if you didn't get that cause your going anyway." she said putting her arm around my shoulder ushering me out toward the car. My mind was so scattered, I couldn't even find a way to form a sentence. I was beat red and was embarrassed. Did I kiss him? Or did he kiss me? Did It mean something? Or not? Do I want it to mean something? Who am I kidding, of course I want it to mean something! It was freaking awesome. I can't think straight around him. He's hot and a great kisser. He makes me weak in the knees, which I know is a cliche. But this is me we're talking about. I might like someone but I do usually have some sort of control. I never kiss a random guy I just met after yelling at him, when I'm completely sober. Nobody does that. I looked back at him, and he just smiled and shrugged.
"Ok, girls where are we headed?" he shouted
"You must be Jen." It was a statement, pure and simple. Arrogantly spoken by a deep voice, which I should of had to strain to hear above the music, but didn't. I whipped around while actually squealing to look at a dark haired, dark eyed, GI Joe replica of a man, who stood there frowning at me. He looks like a man that just freshly walked out of a Cosmo magazine. God.. I couldn't breath. His eyes just sucked me in. I knew I looked a mess. My hair was falling out of it's ponytail and my face had to be a little clammy from sweating all night, running around on the floor. He towered above me. I instantly reached for my necklace. My security blanket. I knew god or whatever power is in charge was playing a really sick joke on me.
Jannie hollered at me, "Jen, this is my friend Brad. He's giving me a ride home so he'll be in here til we're ready to go." Then she went back to work completely ignoring both of us.
"Hey." I mumbled looking away from him. I walked over to my next table and he followed me still frowning. I started shaking, I couldn't help myself. I didn't know why but he was making my heart race, my hands shake and my mind go completely blank. Normally I like to think that I can manage to keep myself some what put together when I'm attracted to someone. But right then I knew I was fumbling so bad. I could feel myself getting hot, blushing. I didn't even know that I do that. He kept staring at me while I wiped the table down.
"Do you always wipe tables down that long?" He snapped. I jumped.
"What" I stammered like an idiot. Come on Jen get it together your making an ass out of yourself and he hasn't even done anything to you. He's not that cute and defiantly not your type. I kept repeating that to myself. Hoping if I lied enough times in my head, I would finally believe it and get some control over my body.
"Do... you... always... take... this.... long... to.... wiped... tables.... down." He said glaring at me, cocking his head to one side. I stared at him for what seemed like forever, forgetting how to speak, and then he raised his eye brows and leaned toward me, opening his mouth to repeat himself. That action was all it took for me to get angry and for me to snap out of my love-struck puppy mode. My defenses went up and my tongue began to slice him up.
"What the fuck is your problem? I haven't done anything to you and you've treated me like crap since you walked into this place. Following me around like I need to be watched while I do cleaning. Of all things to need a babysitter for." I shook my head. "No! It doesn't always take me this freaking long to wipe tables down. Like you care how long it takes anyway, no one cares how long it takes to wipe tables down. Plus its freaking hard to clean while someone as hot as yourself is staring into your back. Jesus, didn't your mother teach you any freaking manners? I asked my voice raising by the minute. " Intimidating someone you don't even know all because your little miss sunshine's best Friend. I hope you know, that I'm stressed out enough as it is without having someone bother me for no reason. OK? I glared at him, breathing fast and gripping my towel to keep him from seeing me shake. "Well?" I snapped
"You think I'm hot?" he asked grinning at me. I just blinked at him. Shit had I really said I thought he was hot? No way was I going to acknowledge that I had said it. Nor was I going to admit that I hadn't meant to tell him either. I started to turned around and walk away. However before I had even made it one step, he grabbed my arm. "Wait. They told me you were uptight." he said. I just glared at him. Hopefully If I kept quiet he would let go and go away. "No, wait not uptight,. They said you were shy. Look the plan tonight is to kidnap you and take you out with the rest of the girls so that you'll break out of your shell a little. I'm suppose to distract you until Jannie is ready to go and then we just won't take you home." I just looked at him as he grinned a little embarrassed at me. Then I looked over toward that bar, Jannie was busy but you could tell she was watching us. Great I thought. Here I am trying to start over, in a new place, where I can focus on my career and my friends are already trying to get me to go get into trouble. And how do they do it? They enlist the help of a really sexy man. Yeah I know I said he wasn't my type but Jesus If you could just see him. Thinking about him got me to realize that he was still holding my arm. I looked over at him still smiling at me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, blushed and then asked "Why, would they ask you to help break me out of my shell?"
He grabbed the towel out of my hand and threw it on the table. Pulled me on the dance floor and said "Well they told me you like to dance and well you see, I am terribly hot, fun to be around and the best dancer that you'll ever meet." Then he ran to the stage and turned up the song I know you want me by pitbull, kicked off his shoes and came sliding back onto the dance floor. He started dancing all crazy, moving his hips side to side, turning around and shaking his ass toward me. He moved his shoulders the opposite way as his hips and then started boobing his head like the guys in the movie A Night at the Roxbury. I couldn't help but start laughing. "com'on I know you have it in you. " I just shook my head laughing at him. God It felt good to smile for no reason. "Com'on, you got a. The girls are on their way and you'll disappoint them if you don't play along. They took forever coming up with this plan at least humor them just a little." I just laughed and went to go start cleaning. Brad wasn't having it though. He came and grabbed me from behind as the music changed to Deftones my own summer. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and I swear that I nearly fainted just because he touched me. I stopped moving. He whispered in my ear, for me to take my shoes off. I couldn't help myself, my shoes were off before I had even realized that I had pulled them off. "Now... don't think about anything just dance like you were doing when I got here." He voice was like a drug. My breath started coming faster and I just started to move. I could feel the heat of his chest against my back, and it did nothing to calm my shaking body. He turned me around and looked me in the face, while stilling dancing with me. He held my lower back not allowing any space to be between us. I put one arm on his shoulder and closed my eyes losing myself in the music. This was freakin surreal but I could actually feel the last couple of month's tension leaving my body. Brad brought his left hand to my hair and pulled my pony tail lose, running his fingers through the curls almost as if he had been doing it for years. I leaned into him getting closer to him if that were possible and inhaled. He smelled just like cigarette smoke with a hint of apple Cinnamon. Please song just keep playing or someone up there grant me the miracle to stop time. I couldn't help but keep pleading in my head, making all kinds of deals for this situation to just continue to be as great as it was. Then the music began to slow and I knew the ending was coming. I started to lean back pulling away to give Brad and me a little space before it ended.
"See not so bad." He said looking at me intently. Yet again I couldn't look away and I forget how to speak. I went to nod my agreement, but instead angled my chin upward toward his face not blinking, I just kept breathing. Then he leaned in and kissed me pulling me to him. He held me tight and it was a good thing because I freakin would have fallen over had he not been. I kissed him back but was jolted back to reality when I heard my co-workers come into the bar.
"Jesus Brad, we told you to distracted her not fuck her on the dance floor. " My friend Misty said laughing walking toward us. I instantly put space between us and looked at Misty avoiding looking at Brad. "So are you ready to go get fucked up?" she asked "And by the way, that was rhetorical if you didn't get that cause your going anyway." she said putting her arm around my shoulder ushering me out toward the car. My mind was so scattered, I couldn't even find a way to form a sentence. I was beat red and was embarrassed. Did I kiss him? Or did he kiss me? Did It mean something? Or not? Do I want it to mean something? Who am I kidding, of course I want it to mean something! It was freaking awesome. I can't think straight around him. He's hot and a great kisser. He makes me weak in the knees, which I know is a cliche. But this is me we're talking about. I might like someone but I do usually have some sort of control. I never kiss a random guy I just met after yelling at him, when I'm completely sober. Nobody does that. I looked back at him, and he just smiled and shrugged.
"Ok, girls where are we headed?" he shouted
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