other moments I just want kept all together

June 23, 2010 - Wednesday
trying to breath
I'm taking a breath. Trying despratly to fill my body and calm myself. As I feel my lungs with the air, I also begin to cry. It's not even the type of crying the really helps, just a tear here and there. I wish we had some amount of control over something in this situation. It makes me feel so small. At least I know the way it's going to play out. I've already seen it numerous times in my dreams. I've also been through it enough to know what the process is. I'm just really dissapointed in so many ways with this situation. The ones that were suppose to help are just making it worse and the people who shouldn't have to deal with this shit, because they've already beening dealing with most of it forever are still having to pick up the slack again. I'm just so tired of the way things are going for the people I love. I can't seem to catch my breath lately. It's like just as I start to take a breath I get punched in the gut and the wind is knocked back out of me. I'm not sure how to help anymore. I'm not even sure how to deal anymore. I can see little bits of myself being chipped away by all this stuff I've been going thru. And now instead of helping and fighting like I used I'm just allowing everyone else take on everything. I'm so exhausted, that even if I wanted to be of help I don't think i can right now. I'm just trying to understand how I'm suppose to deal with this right now. Why now? Why not when I had a little step on solid ground? or at least when I had finished taking a full breath.

May 31, 2010 - Monday
Great Mood
I'm sitting here completely in a great mood. There is no reason for it, no one's did anything, the day wasn't perfect by any means but I can't help but be happy right now. I just am. I feel like dancing and singing and well I noticed that some of my friend's didn't have a good day. So to all you having a crappy moment I just want you to know I luv you and am sending you all my good energy. I hope things get better for you. Just know that someone is thinking about you, and your making them smile right now!!!!!!!!! Loves to everyone JennyRead more:

May 3, 2010 - Monday
working myself out
So it's 11:30 pm and I just woke up dreaming about you... again. The sad part about this recurring dream is it's about you but not in the way it's should be. Everytime I dream this dream I wake up feeling annoyed. The dream is about memories I have wit you but there's no feelings with any part that involves you. I'm not sad about leaving you and I don't miss you. I don't find any joy in any of the good memories I have about you. And I definately never feel any type of feelings being given to me from you. It's like watching a black and white film about our relationship. Instead of not being able to hear what is going on, I can't feel anything when your in the picture. I have feelings about missing your family, and feelings about mine and your friends even feelings about the random strangers that appear in the dream, but nothing when it comes to you. How sad is that? While I dream about you, I feel a void. While I'm awake though things are different. I'm definatly feeling when I think about you. Our relationship I feel was more a phase ment to teach me something more than an actual relationship. You should of fit perfectly in my world. All the things that make up a good relationship were there and we had the potential to be great together. But we weren't. We both didn't try and I think we both used each other to get what we most needed out of each other at the time. I wish things had been different with you. I really wanted to want you the way that I should have, and wanted to be wanted the way that I deserved, but in all honesty that was never going to happen. I think I always knew that things with you were never going to get serious. My actions alone on many occasions told myself that, but I didn't want to believe it. One of my regrets is how things ended. I really wanted to stay friends with you, because as a person I think your great. In order to have been your friend though I think that I should of never gotten started with you. My mind, and heart are still trying to figure out what happened and how I let this situation even get to where it ended up. I don't mind taking alot of the responsibility for how things occured but I wasn't the only one at fault. Many questions run through my head daily. The hardest ones have to do with not understanding how we could treat each other the way we did. Alot of the hurtful things that occured between us I wouldn't wish on anyone. Most of the time I think we knew we were hurting each other but chose to ignore it. There are some good memories and I hold on to those. I hope one day I will see you again and get the closure that I need, Preferably when I don't want it or need it anymore. LOL I hope and wish lots of good things for you. As for myself, all I'm hoping for right now is for that dream to stop. I'm not even sure that I want to work through everything quickly, but instead take my time to deal with all my questions and feelings. I have many memories of us that I prefer to think about and not in the same way that the dream forces me to. I also hope that soon my mind starts to work through how our relationship affected my other relationships with my friends. I miss many of them right now, and hope that soon I will be able to go visit. I hate the fact that I had to leave quickly because of the circumstaces, and didn't get to say proper goodbyes to them. To you guys who I didn't get to say goodbye the way i wanted I'm sorry. I'm choosing to look at it as life's way of letting me know that It's not really goodbye but I'll see you later. :)
not alone

May the angels keep you till morning.May they guide you through the night.May they comfort all your sorrows.May they help you win the fight.
May they keep watch on your soul.May they show you better ways.May they guard you while you're sleeping.May they see you through your days.
May they show you new hopes.May they still your every doubt.May they calm your every fear.May they hear you when you shout.
May the angels keep you till morning.More than this I cannot pray.And if the angels ever fail you.Then may God be there that day.